Pride

5:21 PM


So today's post admittedly is a little less about the clothes and little more about my feelings on last week's Supreme Court decision. I know you're here for the clothes (well, most of you), so if you don't want to know what I think, then look at the pretty pictures  and I'll see you next time!

I expressed a little bit about what it meant to me the day the decision came down (check out my Instagram or Facebook pages if you missed that), but I'm not sure if I can ever fully express just what I feel about it. I'm a girl with two homes (Maryland and Texas), one of which was not an equality state at the time of Friday's decision. Growing up in Texas, I couldn't have expressed then what I know now about my sexual orientation (for a few reasons), but a part of me realizes looking back that it was always there. I lived a life of quiet, reserved naivete--there was only one way to be when I was growing up, and that was straight. Girls dated boys and only boys. I had crushes on boys, but when I reflect on it some of it seems very forced because it was what was expected. I didn't ever crush on someone who could have realistically liked me back. Do not misunderstand me-I have had crushes on many men in adulthood, and they have been (for the most part) real. But my sexual and romantic attraction to women is also real. Coming out was the single most difficult process I've been through. It hurt in some ways, and it challenged my very core. I had to decide that owning up to myself and those I loved was what was important. A lot of times I wished I could go back to repressing my feelings and pretending to only like men. But that would have been a lie, and contrary to the very person I am.

No court decision should ever be the thing that makes a person feel validated; no court decision should make a person feel like they're allowed to be themselves for the first time. And I certainly knew who I was before this all came down, and where I stood, and the very distinct possibility that I would marry someone of my own gender one day. But some days I have wanted something like this to make me feel like the world sees who I am and is okay with that. It's my people pleasing tendencies, I guess. Today, a week after the Supreme Court decided I finally could marry the person of my choosing, I feel fully free to make a choice about who and where I wed. The feeling that my right to love and wed who I choose (a long, long, LONG time from now) is something that really does give my life a different meaning than it had a week ago.

It's actually kind of funny that I had originally planned to go out to Club Hippo on Friday, a local gay bar, prior to the decision being handed down. I had all the more reason to let loose, and for the first time in a long time, I did. I went out, I danced, and I had an AMAZING time with some great people. I think this is the beginning of an exciting time in my life, where I allow myself to feel a little but more proud of who I am than I have before. I look forward to this new chapter of my life and where it will all lead.

xoxo

Carisa 

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2 comments

  1. Just wanted to say that you are an amazing person, and I'm glad that you have found yourself!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Rebecca! I really appreciate that.

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